Australian history is littered with Olympic heroes. Cathy Freeman. Ian Thorpe. Herb Elliott. Shane Gould. We could go on for hours.
Few, however, are as synonymous with Australia at the Olympics as sports pundits Roy Slaven and HG Nelson (aka comedy duo Greig Pickhaver and John Doyle).
For decades, Australians have looked to these two men for the kinds of unique insights that you just don't get from regular commentators.
Their insider scoops, willingness to speak truth to power, and unbridled, full-throated support for all things Australian have made them a unique and beloved part of the games.
This love for Australia is not limited to sport, something that will no doubt come across in their new Olympic-themed ABC radio show and podcast: People, Medals and Cheese.
"We love French cheese, but we think Aussie cheese is probably better," Slaven says.
"HG brought across some Bega cheese and got a few of the French locals to have a bit of a sample. They were blown away."
Nelson continues: "There's a lot of trade issues at a high level. You can imagine the Minister of Trade and his entourage running through Paris doing deals for more Citroëns and things that we don't need."
"But, when it comes to cheese, it speaks the language of all languages. People have been making cheeses since the pyramids were built.
"When we came [to Paris], we thought, 'What can we do? What can we bring?' We can take cheese. Because they don't know cheese like we know cheese in Australia. It has a different vibe. It has a different terroir.
"So, we're delighted to be able to represent Australian cheese. We're the only ones doing it."
Horsing around
One of the key pre-Olympic moments is the selection of Australia's flag bearers for the Opening Ceremony, and while Roy & HG were enthused with this year's selection of canoeist Jessica Fox and hockey player Eddie Ockenden, they also felt it was a missed opportunity.
"I just felt as though it was an opportunity to maybe allow one of our horses that will be competing. The forgotten part of this Olympics is the equestrian competition."
Slaven adds: "A horse sitting on the barge waving a flag would have been marvellous."
Equestrian has perhaps had more time in the spotlight this year than the sport's governing bodies might like, with British three-time gold medallist Charlotte Dujardin withdrawing from the Games after video emerged of her "engaging in conduct contrary to the principles of horse welfare".
"Sure, people accept that on a racetrack, but they don't accept that at the Olympic Games," Nelson says.
"If you knew how a sausage was made you wouldn't bloody eat it. It's the same with the equestrian. I've seen a threepenny bunger put up a horse's date and blown up its arse just to get it to make a jump.
"That's fine, and you do get a medal, but if people understood the rigours, the difficulties, the hardships experienced by some of our horses, then they wouldn't watch."
Loading YouTube content
Earlier this year, Australian rider Shane Rose was embroiled in a scandal after daring to wear a mankini while riding a horse during a fancy-dress showjumping event, a move that "horrified" Olympic great and Australian Sports Commission chief executive Kieren Perkins.
"It's a sort of Lady Godiva effect. If you want to draw the eye, take your gear off," Slaven says.
"I thought it was a great thing for equestrian. To show that equestrian people are just as human as we are, just like any other person.
"I, like many, look at a horse and obviously I want to get on it. But often I wonder what it'd be like to be on it in the nude. A lot of people ask themselves that question. It's good to see that it's been answered: It feels pretty good."
Reports of Australia's medal chances are greatly understated
But, when it comes down to it, the Olympics is about sport. More specifically, it's about winning. Data company Nielsen have made some predictions about how Australian will fare in the medal tally over the next couple of weeks, and our intrepid experts reckon they're way off the mark.
"I think we're up for 15 gold at the moment — these are guesstimates from people who know — 15 gold and 23 silver. That's dead wrong," Nelson says.
"Some of those 23 silver have to be converted to gold. The big shock to me — never mind where New Zealand finishes, which is a separate problem — is the improvement in the French.
Loading YouTube content
"Obviously hometown advantage goes without saying, but their medal estimate, which is up around about 27, is just wrong. Wrong.
"We just don't think that's feasible. We think that, at best, about nine gold. So that would free quite a lot up for Australia to get. I think it's going to be the best games ever for Australia in terms of gold. But this silver number… I mean, I lie awake at night thinking who's winning the gold that we should be getting."
Slaven adds: "Well, silver is a lost opportunity.
"I don't want to put pressure on our athletes — I wouldn't — but my expectation is much greater than the 15 or 12 pathetic golds that HG has referred to. That sort of estimation might be just the sort of spur that the team needs. 'Oh gee, they don't think much of us. Let's really put in.'"
Are Australian athletes prepared for the village?
Paris is the city of love, and the Olympic Village has a reputation for a high rate of copulation between like-minded athletes.
One way to get Roy & HG offside is to question the preparedness of Australian athletes in any regard, including when it comes to sex.
"Hang on a minute, are you suggesting Australians are going to let us down when they're in Paris in this regard?" Nelson fumes.
"They're certainly not. They're going to be right there, front and centre, hand in the bowl, 'Give me some more'.
"That sort of stuff is pure Australian, and we will not be found wanting in that regard. I find it offensive to think that I'm here defending Australia in this manner."
Slaven interjects: "Yeah, I don't know what you're getting at. No one slips on a condom more easily than an Aussie overseas. And obviously in Paris. We've been doing it since the First World War. I don't think anything's going to change in that regard.
Nelson continues: "There's many agendas running [at the Olympics]. But winning gold and slipping on a franger… It's just what we do best."
"Yeah, I mean, that's the dream, isn't it?" Slaven says. "To win a medal and have a root."
You can hear People, Medals and Cheese on the ABC listen app.
Posted, updated
